i gave up on emotions today you guys
they still happen i guess
but there are times in life when you realize
things you took very seriously
'real things'
just actually aren't
or perceivably aren't at least
so i gave up on emotions
because one emotion can still just be there
when a new one starts up
and so like what is that?
i don't like that when that happens
i don't want to do sad and horny
i don't want to do happy and suicidal
i'm going to stop naming these damn things
going to start thinking
oh shucks you guys
my brain is doing unfathomably complex life things again
because differentiating is just too much
sometimes i can feel a thing all day
not know the name of it
and then it does a mix with another one
and fuck me i'm craving the smell of the cusp of a neck
like a specific person's neck
and we're not even friends anymore or anything
fuck
i'm angry now
_______
The Most Tired I Have Ever Been
but there are times in life when you realize
things you took very seriously
'real things'
just actually aren't
or perceivably aren't at least
so i gave up on emotions
because one emotion can still just be there
when a new one starts up
and so like what is that?
i don't like that when that happens
i don't want to do sad and horny
i don't want to do happy and suicidal
i'm going to stop naming these damn things
going to start thinking
oh shucks you guys
my brain is doing unfathomably complex life things again
because differentiating is just too much
sometimes i can feel a thing all day
not know the name of it
and then it does a mix with another one
and fuck me i'm craving the smell of the cusp of a neck
like a specific person's neck
and we're not even friends anymore or anything
fuck
i'm angry now
_______
The Most Tired I Have Ever Been
So tired I would fuck a camel for sleep
_______
_______
ghosts glaciers
feeling neutral
the leaves from the tree above me keep twirling down to the ground and
drop like pins
i like being hungover because it's one of the only times where i am
can feel fully satisfied when my basic needs are met (food, warmth,
comfort)
how do i lay out my emotions in front of me
like blankets, smoothing the creases as i go
a metaphor for being able to gain clarity about your emotional state,
being able to touch it with your fingers
being able to articulate whatever it is that i feel about everything
every person, situation, memory
so i can look at the sum of all these parts
it's all cartography
ennui
do you know the sound of your own voice
i feel a kind of calm that is like a dark pool of water
it is late at night and there are no other sounds
except ...
i feel like water
or i am in water
or just something about water
how still it is when it is night time and there is nothing, not even a
moon, to illuminate it's surface
the sky is an open mouth
drop like pins
i like being hungover because it's one of the only times where i am
can feel fully satisfied when my basic needs are met (food, warmth,
comfort)
how do i lay out my emotions in front of me
like blankets, smoothing the creases as i go
a metaphor for being able to gain clarity about your emotional state,
being able to touch it with your fingers
being able to articulate whatever it is that i feel about everything
every person, situation, memory
so i can look at the sum of all these parts
it's all cartography
ennui
do you know the sound of your own voice
i feel a kind of calm that is like a dark pool of water
it is late at night and there are no other sounds
except ...
i feel like water
or i am in water
or just something about water
how still it is when it is night time and there is nothing, not even a
moon, to illuminate it's surface
the sky is an open mouth
_______
I thought about the possibility of being a whale today
As I held you tightly
And pretended that
I felt the things that you felt
I thought about the possibility of being a whale today
And pretended that
I felt the things that you felt
I thought about the possibility of being a whale today
To be enormous
Gargantuan
Solely wandering the sea floor with mouth open to ingest krill.
I thought that would be a pleasant life.
Infinite time for pondering and predilection
Infinite time for composing stories in your head.
With no one to share them to.
And then the dream began to turn into a nightmare
Gargantuan
Solely wandering the sea floor with mouth open to ingest krill.
I thought that would be a pleasant life.
Infinite time for pondering and predilection
Infinite time for composing stories in your head.
With no one to share them to.
And then the dream began to turn into a nightmare
Because whales can’t sleep,
So what kind of dreams are they dreaming?
And whales have no one to share their stories with.
So what kind of dreams are they dreaming?
And whales have no one to share their stories with.
_______
Sir Isaac Newton
There is more to this than probablilities and yr silly physics.
I’m sodomizing a gerbil right now.
Explain that.
I’m sodomizing a gerbil right now.
Explain that.
_______
notes i made today whilst drinking some coffee ass coffee in a cafe inside of a mall:
feel like if i didn't write at least 2x lists a day my life would be complete chaos
hellooo this coffee tastes like hot milk
on the bus a ~2 yo was sitting in front of me staring at me and i kept smiling at him real big and then he started to do the 'sup' head thing to me and i did it back to him and we did that maybe 6 times each and the bus was full and i felt good
often i think 'so many things, so many things' ad infinitum re: my life and just get scared and end up sitting in my bed eating chips
i've patted 6x cats today
in lieu of an ocean i have this forest
txts i sent today:
'yep'
'sweet'
'come over tomorrow night for wine?'
'can we make it friday?'
'just at my parents'
'home now btw'
'classic chip/bean/cheese combo?'
'yeah i think we're going to stay for the next band'
'lol fml'
'you home?'
_______
things i feel a little bad but maybe really good about that happened today
- woke up after noon
- childhood friend came over kind of unsolicited
- girl who will be boarding at my house for the summer (and who is physically very attractive) came over at the same time, friend seemed 'flustered' kind of
- friend listened to music i made and gave lots of compliments
- told friend about movie ideas that will probably never be actual movies
- ate chicken
- ate turkey
- ate oatmeal
- ate chicken eggs
- ate cheese
- ate spinach
- drank milk
- drank 'zipfizz' vitamin b energy drink
(just thought, seems strange i don't really think about the physical appearance of [any food] prior to it being processed for my consumption)
things i wanted today that i'm a) not sure i wanted, b) not sure i'd like to have if i had them, c) want every day
- girl who will be boarding at my house for the summer (and who is physically very attractive) came over at the same time, friend seemed 'flustered' kind of
- friend listened to music i made and gave lots of compliments
- told friend about movie ideas that will probably never be actual movies
- ate chicken
- ate turkey
- ate oatmeal
- ate chicken eggs
- ate cheese
- ate spinach
- drank milk
- drank 'zipfizz' vitamin b energy drink
(just thought, seems strange i don't really think about the physical appearance of [any food] prior to it being processed for my consumption)
things i wanted today that i'm a) not sure i wanted, b) not sure i'd like to have if i had them, c) want every day
- girlfriend
- cigarettes
- some sort of 'post-death' experience/non-experience
- poems/books that are 'great'/enjoyable to magically appear and for all credit and memory of their production to be granted to me
- the dogs that live at my house to be obedient and to not immediately attempt action previously reprimanded (i.e. jumping on things that are difficult to clean, licking peoples' crotches, giving bacteria-ridden objects to people with germ-phobia)
things i thought today about people i like
- cigarettes
- some sort of 'post-death' experience/non-experience
- poems/books that are 'great'/enjoyable to magically appear and for all credit and memory of their production to be granted to me
- the dogs that live at my house to be obedient and to not immediately attempt action previously reprimanded (i.e. jumping on things that are difficult to clean, licking peoples' crotches, giving bacteria-ridden objects to people with germ-phobia)
things i thought today about people i like
- 'wow her face is so beautiful'
- '[nothing, then suddenly] whoa did i just black out? did her voice do that to my brain?'
- 'i hope he doesn't think that i meant he sucks, because he only sucks a little'
- 'haha, he's drunk, he can't help it, he's going to dislike having done this, i think'
- 'oh wow i miss her, i'm glad we're friends'
- 'what a douchebag, this is awful, what he's doing, jesus'
- 'ok good, she likes this, that means there's nothing weird about it, shit'
- 'ugh, stop being so... not internet-y... ugh, she can't help herself..... sigh'
- 'i bet he thinks i'm out of control, well guess what asshole, i'm out of control'
things i though independent of other things/as non-sequiturs
- 'i hope he doesn't think that i meant he sucks, because he only sucks a little'
- 'haha, he's drunk, he can't help it, he's going to dislike having done this, i think'
- 'oh wow i miss her, i'm glad we're friends'
- 'what a douchebag, this is awful, what he's doing, jesus'
- 'ok good, she likes this, that means there's nothing weird about it, shit'
- 'ugh, stop being so... not internet-y... ugh, she can't help herself..... sigh'
- 'i bet he thinks i'm out of control, well guess what asshole, i'm out of control'
things i though independent of other things/as non-sequiturs
- 'did it teleport through the computer? like through the keyboard?'
- 'my teeth look secure but they will fall out they will'
- 'oh shit i actually want to live/die on mars how do i do that'
- 'i'm so dumb, dumb dumb dumb, i wonder if it's my frontal lobe or i'm just fooling myself into thinking i'm an idiot, haha, that's great'
- 'so if i eat the bread now, then i won't have to make it into toast later'
_______
six things I thought while walking home from the poker game:
- 'oh shit i actually want to live/die on mars how do i do that'
- 'i'm so dumb, dumb dumb dumb, i wonder if it's my frontal lobe or i'm just fooling myself into thinking i'm an idiot, haha, that's great'
- 'so if i eat the bread now, then i won't have to make it into toast later'
_______
six things I thought while walking home from the poker game:
- Fuck, i can't believe i forgot that thing that i wanted to tweet.
- Oh shit, that car just stopped. I'm going to die tonight.
- If you're driving a car, i'm terrified of you.
- I wish this fruit cart on this corner was 24/7
- I just got hustled.
- I wish i could take klonapin with alcohol.
______
- Oh shit, that car just stopped. I'm going to die tonight.
- If you're driving a car, i'm terrified of you.
- I wish this fruit cart on this corner was 24/7
- I just got hustled.
- I wish i could take klonapin with alcohol.
______
Debilitating Anxieties I have Had In My Life
- The Sun Exploding (started at age 7)
- The Inevitability of death (age 7-present)
- Parents willi run away in the middle of the night or abandon me somewhere (from 8-10)
- Am I Gay? (from 12-18)
- Someone is hiding under my car to slit my Achilles tendon (16-present)
- I will always hurt the people who love me (18-present)
- I wil be decapitated in hometown in random killing by one of brother's druggy friends (age 19-present)
-Someone is going to break into my apartment through the fire escape and rob and kill me (age 19-present)
- Parents willi run away in the middle of the night or abandon me somewhere (from 8-10)
- Am I Gay? (from 12-18)
- Someone is hiding under my car to slit my Achilles tendon (16-present)
- I will always hurt the people who love me (18-present)
- I wil be decapitated in hometown in random killing by one of brother's druggy friends (age 19-present)
-Someone is going to break into my apartment through the fire escape and rob and kill me (age 19-present)
- That my dad is mentally handicapped now and that even if he gets his speech back, he won't be the same (dec. 2011-present)
- That my brother will end up in a mental hospital (dec. 2011 - present)
_______
_______
Debilitating Anxieties I have Had In My Life (Pt. 2)
- won't ever go to heaven (age 3, immediately remedied via salvation)
- won't ever have friends (age 3 - 8, 11 - 16)
- won't ever have a girlfriend (age 11 - 20)
- won't ever finish writing a novel (age 5 - 21)
- won't ever stop being high (age 18 for ~4 hours)
- won't live for ever and ever (age 18 - present)
- won't ever stop being a shithead (age 22 - present)
- won't ever be self-aware re how big a shithead i am (present)
- won't ever achieve life goals (present)
- could forget at some point that not achieving life goals is 'OK' (present)
_______
- won't ever have friends (age 3 - 8, 11 - 16)
- won't ever have a girlfriend (age 11 - 20)
- won't ever finish writing a novel (age 5 - 21)
- won't ever stop being high (age 18 for ~4 hours)
- won't live for ever and ever (age 18 - present)
- won't ever stop being a shithead (age 22 - present)
- won't ever be self-aware re how big a shithead i am (present)
- won't ever achieve life goals (present)
- could forget at some point that not achieving life goals is 'OK' (present)
_______
Debilitating Anxieties I have Had In My Life (Pt. 3)
- will go on a killing spree (19-present)
- am only attracted to girl with boyfriends (18-present)
- rash on my hand is herpes (may 14th 9am-1245pm)
- might have gotten someone pregnant and will have to convince her to get abortion. (3 hrs ~ 1x every six months since I was 17)
_______
- am only attracted to girl with boyfriends (18-present)
- rash on my hand is herpes (may 14th 9am-1245pm)
- might have gotten someone pregnant and will have to convince her to get abortion. (3 hrs ~ 1x every six months since I was 17)
_______
Debilitating Anxieties I have Had In My Life (Pt. 4)
- creepy 'grudge' girl is going to climb out of my wardrobe and kill me
- someone is going to walk in on me peeing
- that i cannot perform socially in any given situation
- will i ever be able to be a normal ass highly functioning human being
- AM I PREGNANT
- doing the confidence course at standard 3 camp
- what if my cat died
- what if anyone i love at all died
- please don't die
- is everyone looking at me
- what do ppl think about me oh god
_______
think the Klonopin is helping (List of things I thought during commute from work to friend's house on trains and walking on streets on Klonopin) (composed in iphone note)
- someone is going to walk in on me peeing
- that i cannot perform socially in any given situation
- will i ever be able to be a normal ass highly functioning human being
- AM I PREGNANT
- doing the confidence course at standard 3 camp
- what if my cat died
- what if anyone i love at all died
- please don't die
- is everyone looking at me
- what do ppl think about me oh god
_______
think the Klonopin is helping (List of things I thought during commute from work to friend's house on trains and walking on streets on Klonopin) (composed in iphone note)
- wish I could tweet with two hands and hold the subway rail at same time
- would pay buskers to stop busking
- wonder if kids selling fruit snacks ever earn enough to pay off big box of fruit snacks
- I feel okay making eye contact with strangers. This is new.
- I am a foot taller than everyone else on this train.
- I hope I'm a cool old person and I don't look dead inside.
- would be embarrassing if I fell over on the train because I was tweeting instead of holding the pole.
- In the last two days, I have eaten one meal of indian food and one half of a loaf of potato bread.
- I don't think the last girl I had sex with is ever going to give me a booty call.
- surprised I'm not okay with that.
- I only ever want to talk about poetry or poetry related things
- I can't wait to hear teagues read my ebook.
- feel like i have run out of poems
- am a little bit higher than i realized. I just got lost trying to make the same train transfer that I do twice a day.
- just smelled weed in the subway
- just imagined accidentally getting back on the same train I just got off of and taking it all the way back to where I started like a three stooges skit.
- worried that someday I will do irreparable damage to my cheek via chewing while on adderall
- the drugs I took today: 1 x vitamin b12 supplement, 1x 10mg adderall, 2x 10mg lexapro, 2x .5mg Klonopin
- seems like a lot.
-wonder if it's actually not good to mix klonopin and alcohol or if it's like taking too many advil.
- normally, I would have calculated how much time was wasted by missing the last train. ATM, i don't care.
- really like serious looking older women with short hair cuts. Not in a sexual/romantic way. Just like really respect them
- wish there was a cool way to wear a trench coat
- I used to want to be superman and I was going ot have m godmother sew me a costume reinforced wtih steel so I would be bulletproof
- I used ot be confused by why people in china didn't falloff the earth
- when i was 10 I wanted to invent hover car based on magnetic repulsion between a magnet built in road and magnet under car. On further reflection, doesn't seem practical.
- at age 11, I broke a kid's arm and didn't tell my parents for a month. Only told because they were going to a dinner party and I thought they would have found out. Cried in bathtub for three hours even though they didn't punish me.
- distinct memory of once uprooting a baby tree. Not sure re context but parents were cool wtih it.
- intense desire to smash windshiel of prius pulling into crosswalk wiht baseball bat that i do not have/own
- life before iPhone seems bleak and blissful at same time
- have been walking and typing and not looking where going for ~11 minutes
- just saw white barber with huge fro, thought, 'Who is that dumb?'
-Modulated James Blake vocal sounds like he is saying "all my pussy"
- wish I was a DJ ~ 1x/2months
- just got lost while using iPhone map in NYC going somewhere I have been ~6 times
- want to go live in a cabin with Peter and buttercup this summer
- don't believe that people think in non-sequitors
- think idea of thinking in non-sequitors is v. Funny tho
- feel like phones should have the capability to block numbers at this point in time.
_______
tinychat has taken over my life
- wonder if kids selling fruit snacks ever earn enough to pay off big box of fruit snacks
- I feel okay making eye contact with strangers. This is new.
- I am a foot taller than everyone else on this train.
- I hope I'm a cool old person and I don't look dead inside.
- would be embarrassing if I fell over on the train because I was tweeting instead of holding the pole.
- In the last two days, I have eaten one meal of indian food and one half of a loaf of potato bread.
- I don't think the last girl I had sex with is ever going to give me a booty call.
- surprised I'm not okay with that.
- I only ever want to talk about poetry or poetry related things
- I can't wait to hear teagues read my ebook.
- feel like i have run out of poems
- am a little bit higher than i realized. I just got lost trying to make the same train transfer that I do twice a day.
- just smelled weed in the subway
- just imagined accidentally getting back on the same train I just got off of and taking it all the way back to where I started like a three stooges skit.
- worried that someday I will do irreparable damage to my cheek via chewing while on adderall
- the drugs I took today: 1 x vitamin b12 supplement, 1x 10mg adderall, 2x 10mg lexapro, 2x .5mg Klonopin
- seems like a lot.
-wonder if it's actually not good to mix klonopin and alcohol or if it's like taking too many advil.
- normally, I would have calculated how much time was wasted by missing the last train. ATM, i don't care.
- really like serious looking older women with short hair cuts. Not in a sexual/romantic way. Just like really respect them
- wish there was a cool way to wear a trench coat
- I used to want to be superman and I was going ot have m godmother sew me a costume reinforced wtih steel so I would be bulletproof
- I used ot be confused by why people in china didn't falloff the earth
- when i was 10 I wanted to invent hover car based on magnetic repulsion between a magnet built in road and magnet under car. On further reflection, doesn't seem practical.
- at age 11, I broke a kid's arm and didn't tell my parents for a month. Only told because they were going to a dinner party and I thought they would have found out. Cried in bathtub for three hours even though they didn't punish me.
- distinct memory of once uprooting a baby tree. Not sure re context but parents were cool wtih it.
- intense desire to smash windshiel of prius pulling into crosswalk wiht baseball bat that i do not have/own
- life before iPhone seems bleak and blissful at same time
- have been walking and typing and not looking where going for ~11 minutes
- just saw white barber with huge fro, thought, 'Who is that dumb?'
-Modulated James Blake vocal sounds like he is saying "all my pussy"
- wish I was a DJ ~ 1x/2months
- just got lost while using iPhone map in NYC going somewhere I have been ~6 times
- want to go live in a cabin with Peter and buttercup this summer
- don't believe that people think in non-sequitors
- think idea of thinking in non-sequitors is v. Funny tho
- feel like phones should have the capability to block numbers at this point in time.
_______
tinychat has taken over my life
i like the people i know via tinychat and they accept me more than irl people i think
is this a problem
i don't perceive it as a problem
seems temporally incapable of having a negative effect on [things/my life]
things that have happened solely due to tinychat,
is this a problem
i don't perceive it as a problem
seems temporally incapable of having a negative effect on [things/my life]
things that have happened solely due to tinychat,
thus far
irl crush has been developed/thwarted/resolved and i am more comfortable w life because of it (via being sad after prior 'big' break_up)
travelled to see my brother who i had not seen in 1+ years because of internet 'gathering'
irl friends have been made/met up with on multiple occasions, we have helped 'advance' e/os 'careers'
my family has interacted with internet people and have gained experiences outside of their race/religion/social status
an interesting, possibly lingering mythos has developed/been advanced due to my contributions
v anxious internet people who do not interact often have 'come out of their shells' as a result of irl interactions within the scene
i feel less socially anxious and spend less time with irl friends who do more drugs and have more short-term 'scenecest' relationships (which can be emotionally/socially crippling) than internet people are even capable of (due to distance)
looming question: why have my parents let me get this deep into obvious depression/internet addiction
possible answers:
travelled to see my brother who i had not seen in 1+ years because of internet 'gathering'
irl friends have been made/met up with on multiple occasions, we have helped 'advance' e/os 'careers'
my family has interacted with internet people and have gained experiences outside of their race/religion/social status
an interesting, possibly lingering mythos has developed/been advanced due to my contributions
v anxious internet people who do not interact often have 'come out of their shells' as a result of irl interactions within the scene
i feel less socially anxious and spend less time with irl friends who do more drugs and have more short-term 'scenecest' relationships (which can be emotionally/socially crippling) than internet people are even capable of (due to distance)
looming question: why have my parents let me get this deep into obvious depression/internet addiction
possible answers:
i am not doing drugs so much
i keep lying to them about eventually doing something career-oriented
i spend $4 every 3 days on cigarettes instead of $20 every day on food
i am courteous to them and treat irl people with 'respect' despite considering their lives sadder than mine
my life is pretty sad but internally sad, not externally sad (yet)
they are entertained by tinychat
they are entertained by my internet presence
how did this happen
re travelling
i keep lying to them about eventually doing something career-oriented
i spend $4 every 3 days on cigarettes instead of $20 every day on food
i am courteous to them and treat irl people with 'respect' despite considering their lives sadder than mine
my life is pretty sad but internally sad, not externally sad (yet)
they are entertained by tinychat
they are entertained by my internet presence
how did this happen
re travelling
i feel happy that i have been outside of the 'DMV' ~3x in the past 2 months and it is primarily due to internet interactions
haha this is probably 'dumb'/inaccurate
_______
there are people that i have met from the internet and a lot of them are now my ex boyfriends
haha this is probably 'dumb'/inaccurate
_______
there are people that i have met from the internet and a lot of them are now my ex boyfriends
i met my second boyfriend from myspace, we went out for 11 months
i met my third boyfriend from myspace, we went out for 2 and half years
i met my fourth boyfriend from twitter, we went out for a month and a half
i met the seventh person i've ever had sex with from facebook
i met my current best friend from livejournal
i met a lot of people i call friends from the internet
i haven't met a lot of people i call friends from the internet
things that i need
i met my third boyfriend from myspace, we went out for 2 and half years
i met my fourth boyfriend from twitter, we went out for a month and a half
i met the seventh person i've ever had sex with from facebook
i met my current best friend from livejournal
i met a lot of people i call friends from the internet
i haven't met a lot of people i call friends from the internet
things that i need
an umbrella
plane tickets
life excerpt:
plane tickets
life excerpt:
today i woke up next a person who slept through their alarm and they kept saying fuck fuck fuck and while they were in the shower one of their flat mates came in and bought me a coffee. afterwards we went out for breakfast and i bought us both sandwiches and i couldn't finish mine. later i sat on the bus with headphones on and felt nothing but the sun through my thick coat.
last things i have bought
last things i have bought
2x sandwiches
1x creamy milk chocolate bar
admission to an art exhibition/gig
student combo at a hare krishna restaurant
a bubble wrap postage bag
topped up my hop bus card $30
a soy flat white
got my front door key cut
got 3x dvds out (paper heart, mad men season 4, a doco called 'traveling birds')
1x creamy milk chocolate bar
admission to an art exhibition/gig
student combo at a hare krishna restaurant
a bubble wrap postage bag
topped up my hop bus card $30
a soy flat white
got my front door key cut
got 3x dvds out (paper heart, mad men season 4, a doco called 'traveling birds')
